Hey everyone in the NBA/Hibachi 2.0/SKO/SLAM/whoever might be reading this blog world. I want to wish you guys happy holidays. Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanzaa, and just all around happy holidays if I forgot a few. Sorry if I did. But my good wishes go out to you and your families at this time of year, do enjoy the festivities. I hope that everyone's in the holiday spirit, with snow on the ground and all (sorry, Money Bill and Hursty). I gotta start with a haiku. Snow is falling down/From the gray sky in Beantown/Holidays are here. We are getting dumped on snow-wise as I type this.
Of course, a big part of the holidays are gift giving. Families give gifts to their families, friends give gifts to their friends. I have to say that I love giving and receiving gifts, so I decided that people involved in the NBA and SLAM must love receiving gifts as well! So here are my gifts to some of the NBA players/coaches/SLAM commentors/writers. If you guys have any to add, play around in the comments section. A few of them are credit of Hursty, those ones are marked. I'll start it off with NBA teams . . .
1. Boston Celtics: A repeat 2. New Jersey Nets: A British streetballer in their system and not against Harris. 3. New York Knicks: Brains? Cooperation? Willing and able guards? 4. Philadelphia 76ers: An experienced, proven veteran big . . . They already have that? Then why aren't they above .500? Huh? 5. Toronto Raptors: "Garnett-Off". When sprayed it will cause all 6'11" to lose the ability to speak on a basketball court. 6. Chicago Bulls: A section in the contract devoted to apple slicing. 7. Cleveland Cavaliers: A chip to keep Bron in the city. 8. Detroit Pistons: A question. They have the . . . 9. Indiana Pacers: A Larry Bird comeback! Yes, he's 52, but he didn't get anywhere off the ground when he really played anyways! 10. Milwaukee Bucks: MORE minutes for Ramon Sessions. They'd appreciate the gift. 11. Atlanta Hawks: Height in the starting lineup. 12. Charlotte Bobcats: Ahhhh . . . a lot of stuff. 13. Miami Heat: A center. 14. Orlando Magic: A stronger bench. 15. Washington Wizards: A healthy team. 16. Minnesota Timberwolves: A competent coach (Eddie Jordan! Sam Mitchell! Take the chance, Minny!) 17. Oklahoma City Thunder: 10 wins. Come on, you guys can do it! 18. Portland Trailblazers: That great center they were promised. A bounce back from Oden. 19. Utah Jazz: Some universal respect. They need it. 20. Golden State Warriors: Uhhhh . . . a scoring point guard who is capable of being a team leader . . . Baron Davis! 21. Los Angeles Lakers: A more aggressive middle. No, Bynum did not fix everything. Their final missing puzzle piece. 22. Los Angeles Clippers: A reversed curse. The Clippers will forever suck. 23. Phoenix Suns: Some youth pills for Hill, Nash, and Shaq. They'd be unstoppable! 24. Sacramento Kings: Relevancy? 25. Dallas Mavericks: A superstar that isn't a bit outdated. Or two. 26. Houston Rockets: Health. 27. Memphis Grizzlies: Some wins to go with the talent. They're a bit too young, though. 28. New Orleans Hornets: Tyson Chandler at his best. Step up the game, Tyson . . . 29. San Antonio Spurs: Youth pills for Duncan, Bowen, Finley and Thomas. Not like it's gonna stop them if they don't get that, though. 30. Denver Nuggets: A 7 seed or higher. Billups can bring it to them.
NBA Players, Coaches, Execs, and Random People: Players aren't just players. They are also people, and offcourt as well as oncourt stuff is fun if not slightly entertaining to follow. So here are a few holiday gifts for some of our beloved NBAers, coaches, and some celebs as well.
1. LeBron James: His first MVP award, thanks. 2. Kobe Bryant: A pet Black Mamba. Named Kobe. That comes to the games. 3. Eddy Curry: Jenny Craig. Worked for Baron! 4. Kevin Garnett: Sanity. 5. Darko Milicic: FREEDOM. 6. Derrick Rose: A kitchen. If he's gotta cut the apples in bed, he needs to get this cool new room. 7. Brandon Jennings: A successful year in Italy (pick it up, man . . .) 8. Kendrick Perkins: A game good enough to back up his T's. It's kinda funny, though. Only when they're up by 20. 9. Tracy Mcgrady: Health. 10. Gilbert Arenas: Health. 11. Monta Ellis: Health. 12. Rajon Rondo: MORE attention! Dude deserves it. Now I'm finished with my Rondo jockriding. 13. Kanye West: A woman he loved as much as his fiancee to be with him for good. 14. Shaquille O'Neal: Less time to do stuff. A frequently updated Twitter page??? 15. Joe Johnson: Credit. 16. Stephon Marbury: The brains to just sign with a team and shut up. (sorry if that was harsh . . .) 17. Tyson Chandler: The game he actually has. You can do this, man. We believe in you! 18. Emeka Okafor: Just one, earth-shattering jam on someone else to shut everybody up with the "Okafor" joke. 19. Sam Mitchell: A job. 20. Randy Wittman: A job. 21. Eddie Jordan: A job. 22. P.J. Carlesimo: A job. 23. Maurice Cheeks: A job. 24. Deron Williams: A pick for him over Paul from a highly acclaimed sportswriter. Kind of like a big endorsement. He isn't given many of those. 25. Carlos Boozer: Love from the Chinese folk. "Fan Gu Zai", haha. The Betrayal Skull Dude needs to pick up his reputation. 26. Kevin Mchale: A bit of luck in his new job. 27. Dwyane Wade: A decent team so he can get MVP consideration. 28. Yi Jianlian: A starting all-star choice (snort). 29. Yao Ming: Virtual fruitcake (EAT THE HEAD!) 30. Danny Granger: An All-Star slot 31. Michael Jordan: A comeback! For the BETcats! Wouldn't that be fun? 32. Tim Duncan: Just one really entertaining breakaway self-alley-oop reverse jam. THAT would be shaking things up for the Big Fundamental! 33. Greg Oden: EIGHT points per game. Is that too much to ask for? 34. Sun Yue: A Q-Tip. No, a bunch of monkeys for him to rule. Well, how about a good nick name? Or, just no nick name at all? That would probably be best.
SLAM Dudes: Just thought, you know, I'd give a gift to each of you guys. Metaphorical, of course. If I forgot someone please don't be offended, just know that I meant to put you, OK? And if anyone is offended by anything said in here, I seriously didn't mean to. Then again, I don't know why any of you would be offended about any of these. Anyways, here're my gifts to the SLAM family.
1. Hursty: To pass his HSC exams and get a scholarship to UCONN. 2. RV: A SLAM fantasy league win. 3. DP: Successful dreads. 4. Money Bill Williams: A new computer. We want you here, man! 5. BETCATS: Spell Check. And a good hometown team . . . don't know if that one can be pulled off, though. Sorry, dude. 6. Eboy: To go back to 1993. When he had a full head of hair. And no gut. And could run more than 100m without suffering some serious cardio-vascular condition. (Hursty gets the credit for that one) 7. TADOne: Rodney Stuckey in the starting lineup . . . wait! And one win for those Detroit Lions. 8. Tariq Al Hayder: Money for the new novel. 9. B. Long: Nets in the playoffs . . . and 70-win Lakers. 10. Cheryl: A plane ticket to D.C. to catch Obama's inauguration. 11. Co Co: Josh Smith and Al Horford. Period. 12. AR/Izzo: What do you give a man who acts so superior to everyone else? Albeit in a damn funny way. I know! Sarcasm! More of it! Just kidding man. You my dude. (Hursty with that one) 13. Joel: A successful college degree. 14. Jukai: More chances to agree with me . . . just playing, man. Happy Hannukkah. 15. Roy: A plane ticket to America. 16. The Baconator: Whooooo loves orange soda? . . . . . . b-b-b-b-BACONATOR loves orange soda! (is it true?) (reference here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oylkO0LTVvg) 17. Justin Walsh: Less obscure metaphors . . . just playin' man. Get your friend to do his own kids' diapers! 18. Teddy The Bear: Jerryd Bayless as a draft pick . . . NOT Danilo Gallinari 19. Theo Papaloukas: Nikos Galis. No, Antonis Fotsis. No, . . . 20. Ryne Nelson: Legal locker room video camera allowance (courtesy of Hursty) 21. Ryan Jones: LeBron James. 22. Russ Bengtson: Blog promotion . . . for HIS blog. 23. Lang Whitaker: Lunch with Mr. Ping Ping! 24. Holly Mackenzie: S-Jax and Kobe life-size in-detail beanie babies! And Monta Ellis back on the court. 25. Myles Brown: A good team in Minny! 26. Marcel Mutoni: An award for the speed of the breaking news onto the SLAM Wire. Keep up the good work. 27. Khalid Salaam: A winning record in Philly. Good luck, Khalid. 28. Cub Buenning: An endless day of college hoops . . . and a Denver sports championship. In any sport. The brothers will be happy. 29. Emry DowningHall: Some thanks for all of the fantasy help he doles out every day. 30. Konate Primus: An end to the eternal search for the perfect sneaker.
Happy holidays out there to the SLAM and NBA family!