Friday, December 19, 2008

Holiday Gifts For SLAM



Moose in here for the holidays . . .

Hey everyone in the NBA/Hibachi 2.0/SKO/SLAM/whoever might be reading this blog world. I want to wish you guys happy holidays. Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanzaa, and just all around happy holidays if I forgot a few. Sorry if I did. But my good wishes go out to you and your families at this time of year, do enjoy the festivities. I hope that everyone's in the holiday spirit, with snow on the ground and all (sorry, Money Bill and Hursty). I gotta start with a haiku. Snow is falling down/From the gray sky in Beantown/Holidays are here. We are getting dumped on snow-wise as I type this.

Of course, a big part of the holidays are gift giving. Families give gifts to their families, friends give gifts to their friends. I have to say that I love giving and receiving gifts, so I decided that people involved in the NBA and SLAM must love receiving gifts as well! So here are my gifts to some of the NBA players/coaches/SLAM commentors/writers. If you guys have any to add, play around in the comments section. A few of them are credit of Hursty, those ones are marked. I'll start it off with NBA teams . . .

1. Boston Celtics: A repeat
2. New Jersey Nets: A British streetballer in their system and not against Harris.
3. New York Knicks: Brains? Cooperation? Willing and able guards?
4. Philadelphia 76ers: An experienced, proven veteran big . . . They already have that? Then why aren't they above .500? Huh?
5. Toronto Raptors: "Garnett-Off". When sprayed it will cause all 6'11" to lose the ability to speak on a basketball court.
6. Chicago Bulls: A section in the contract devoted to apple slicing.
7. Cleveland Cavaliers: A chip to keep Bron in the city.
8. Detroit Pistons: A question. They have the . . .
9. Indiana Pacers: A Larry Bird comeback! Yes, he's 52, but he didn't get anywhere off the ground when he really played anyways!
10. Milwaukee Bucks: MORE minutes for Ramon Sessions. They'd appreciate the gift.
11. Atlanta Hawks: Height in the starting lineup.
12. Charlotte Bobcats: Ahhhh . . . a lot of stuff.
13. Miami Heat: A center.
14. Orlando Magic: A stronger bench.
15. Washington Wizards: A healthy team.
16. Minnesota Timberwolves: A competent coach (Eddie Jordan! Sam Mitchell! Take the chance, Minny!)
17. Oklahoma City Thunder: 10 wins. Come on, you guys can do it!
18. Portland Trailblazers: That great center they were promised. A bounce back from Oden.
19. Utah Jazz: Some universal respect. They need it.
20. Golden State Warriors: Uhhhh . . . a scoring point guard who is capable of being a team leader . . . Baron Davis!
21. Los Angeles Lakers: A more aggressive middle. No, Bynum did not fix everything. Their final missing puzzle piece.
22. Los Angeles Clippers: A reversed curse. The Clippers will forever suck.
23. Phoenix Suns: Some youth pills for Hill, Nash, and Shaq. They'd be unstoppable!
24. Sacramento Kings: Relevancy?
25. Dallas Mavericks: A superstar that isn't a bit outdated. Or two.
26. Houston Rockets: Health.
27. Memphis Grizzlies: Some wins to go with the talent. They're a bit too young, though.
28. New Orleans Hornets: Tyson Chandler at his best. Step up the game, Tyson . . .
29. San Antonio Spurs: Youth pills for Duncan, Bowen, Finley and Thomas. Not like it's gonna stop them if they don't get that, though.
30. Denver Nuggets: A 7 seed or higher. Billups can bring it to them.


NBA Players, Coaches, Execs, and Random People:
Players aren't just players. They are also people, and offcourt as well as oncourt stuff is fun if not slightly entertaining to follow. So here are a few holiday gifts for some of our beloved NBAers, coaches, and some celebs as well.

1. LeBron James: His first MVP award, thanks.
2. Kobe Bryant: A pet Black Mamba. Named Kobe. That comes to the games.
3. Eddy Curry: Jenny Craig. Worked for Baron!
4. Kevin Garnett: Sanity.
5. Darko Milicic: FREEDOM.
6. Derrick Rose: A kitchen. If he's gotta cut the apples in bed, he needs to get this cool new room.
7. Brandon Jennings: A successful year in Italy (pick it up, man . . .)
8. Kendrick Perkins: A game good enough to back up his T's. It's kinda funny, though. Only when they're up by 20.
9. Tracy Mcgrady: Health.
10. Gilbert Arenas: Health.
11. Monta Ellis: Health.
12. Rajon Rondo: MORE attention! Dude deserves it. Now I'm finished with my Rondo jockriding.
13. Kanye West: A woman he loved as much as his fiancee to be with him for good.
14. Shaquille O'Neal: Less time to do stuff. A frequently updated Twitter page???
15. Joe Johnson: Credit.
16. Stephon Marbury: The brains to just sign with a team and shut up. (sorry if that was harsh . . .)
17. Tyson Chandler: The game he actually has. You can do this, man. We believe in you!
18. Emeka Okafor: Just one, earth-shattering jam on someone else to shut everybody up with the "Okafor" joke.
19. Sam Mitchell: A job.
20. Randy Wittman: A job.
21. Eddie Jordan: A job.
22. P.J. Carlesimo: A job.
23. Maurice Cheeks: A job.
24. Deron Williams: A pick for him over Paul from a highly acclaimed sportswriter. Kind of like a big endorsement. He isn't given many of those.
25. Carlos Boozer: Love from the Chinese folk. "Fan Gu Zai", haha. The Betrayal Skull Dude needs to pick up his reputation.
26. Kevin Mchale: A bit of luck in his new job.
27. Dwyane Wade: A decent team so he can get MVP consideration.
28. Yi Jianlian: A starting all-star choice (snort).
29. Yao Ming: Virtual fruitcake (EAT THE HEAD!)
30. Danny Granger: An All-Star slot
31. Michael Jordan: A comeback! For the BETcats! Wouldn't that be fun?
32. Tim Duncan: Just one really entertaining breakaway self-alley-oop reverse jam. THAT would be shaking things up for the Big Fundamental!
33. Greg Oden: EIGHT points per game. Is that too much to ask for?
34. Sun Yue: A Q-Tip. No, a bunch of monkeys for him to rule. Well, how about a good nick name? Or, just no nick name at all? That would probably be best.


SLAM Dudes:
Just thought, you know, I'd give a gift to each of you guys. Metaphorical, of course. If I forgot someone please don't be offended, just know that I meant to put you, OK? And if anyone is offended by anything said in here, I seriously didn't mean to. Then again, I don't know why any of you would be offended about any of these. Anyways, here're my gifts to the SLAM family.

1. Hursty: To pass his HSC exams and get a scholarship to UCONN.
2. RV: A SLAM fantasy league win.
3. DP: Successful dreads.
4. Money Bill Williams: A new computer. We want you here, man!
5. BETCATS: Spell Check. And a good hometown team . . . don't know if that one can be pulled off, though. Sorry, dude.
6. Eboy: To go back to 1993. When he had a full head of hair. And no gut. And could run more than 100m without suffering some serious cardio-vascular condition. (Hursty gets the credit for that one)
7. TADOne: Rodney Stuckey in the starting lineup . . . wait! And one win for those Detroit Lions.
8. Tariq Al Hayder: Money for the new novel.
9. B. Long: Nets in the playoffs . . . and 70-win Lakers.
10. Cheryl: A plane ticket to D.C. to catch Obama's inauguration.
11. Co Co: Josh Smith and Al Horford. Period.
12. AR/Izzo: What do you give a man who acts so superior to everyone else? Albeit in a damn funny way. I know! Sarcasm! More of it! Just kidding man. You my dude. (Hursty with that one)
13. Joel: A successful college degree.
14. Jukai: More chances to agree with me . . . just playing, man. Happy Hannukkah.
15. Roy: A plane ticket to America.
16. The Baconator: Whooooo loves orange soda? . . . . . . b-b-b-b-BACONATOR loves orange soda! (is it true?) (reference here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oylkO0LTVvg)
17. Justin Walsh: Less obscure metaphors . . . just playin' man. Get your friend to do his own kids' diapers!
18. Teddy The Bear: Jerryd Bayless as a draft pick . . . NOT Danilo Gallinari
19. Theo Papaloukas: Nikos Galis. No, Antonis Fotsis. No, . . .
20. Ryne Nelson: Legal locker room video camera allowance (courtesy of Hursty)
21. Ryan Jones: LeBron James.
22. Russ Bengtson: Blog promotion . . . for HIS blog.
23. Lang Whitaker: Lunch with Mr. Ping Ping!
24. Holly Mackenzie: S-Jax and Kobe life-size in-detail beanie babies! And Monta Ellis back on the court.
25. Myles Brown: A good team in Minny!
26. Marcel Mutoni: An award for the speed of the breaking news onto the SLAM Wire. Keep up the good work.
27. Khalid Salaam: A winning record in Philly. Good luck, Khalid.
28. Cub Buenning: An endless day of college hoops . . . and a Denver sports championship. In any sport. The brothers will be happy.
29. Emry DowningHall: Some thanks for all of the fantasy help he doles out every day.
30. Konate Primus: An end to the eternal search for the perfect sneaker.

Happy holidays out there to the SLAM and NBA family!

--Moose

33 comments:

AR said...

This ain't acting ma'facka.

joeloholic said...

Happy holidays to all of you guys, too.

Have a good one with your fam, Moose; the frigid storms hitting the Eastern US & Canada the last few days makes for a good excuse to spend time with the people who matter most.

B. Long said...

I'd rather have the Lakers win 70 than the Nets in the playoffs but I'd take both. Happy holidays Bachi Boys.

Eboy said...

Hursty so wishes he was me!!!! And yeah, everyone take care of yourselves over the holidays and enjoy the time with your fam and friends.

Roy said...

Great post Moose. The one on Yao Ming really cracked me up (EAT THE HEAD!). Happy Holidays to everyone all over the world. :D

Moose said...

Thanks for the great wishes AR, Joel, B, Eboy and Roy. Likewise to the load of you, as the post said. The snow is starting to pour down in bucketloads in Boston.

Kid Presto said...

Yo man, no homo, but I got much love for all you guys. have a happy christmas and new year!!! happy smoking!!! oh...my bad, that's just me. and the afro is growing at a rapid rate so the dreads should be in by next summer!!! fly society in the house.

the baconator said...

Hey, thanks for the love (no homo) Moose! Haha, that youtube link brought back great memories of Kenan & Kel. I loved that show...

Funny, cuz I hate orange soda. Give me a good vanilla cream or Dr. Pepper any day.

We actually got let out of school early today, cuz of the snow. Our game got canceled, and right now it's snowing like a mofo out. Merry Christmas to y'all!

BETTHASTEAMHOTHIBACHI said...

fuck the Holidays. You know why i hate Scrooge so much? He couldnt keep to his morale convictions and changed for the system.

But happy holidays, bitches

Hursty said...

Happy Christmas to everyone, hope everyone stays safe and well.
Eboy-You had to know that was coming right?
Izzo- You're welcome. Maybe I'll share a beer with you some time.

Moose said...

Sorry about that, baconator. Here's the revised edition: Whooooo loves orange JUICE? B-b-b-BACONATOR loves orange juice!"

And Hursty, what are you doing up at 5 o'clock in the A.M.? And DP, easy on it man. Don't ruin your chances at an athletic career before they start.

And BET, dude, Scrooge changed his ways because they weren't good at all. If you change for the better it's good, man. But thanks for the wishes, haha.

We got a snow day today! I'm on winter vacation!

AR said...

Hursty:If you ever find yourself in the south of Ireland,hit me up-we'll do shit.And I won't touch you like Eboy would.

All the best,Moose.Have a good one.

Moose said...

Thanks again, AR. You too, of course.

Hursty said...

Izzo, is that opposed to the North of Ireland? Cos of... yeh, I'll leave it at that. We could go to the pub and watch Gaelic Football together! That'd be sweet haha.
Moose- I got home at 4.30am, and had 1.5 hours sleep, and was commenting at around 7am there. 7 hour difference. Btw,It was a fairly sick party (just so everyone knows). Still haven't slept yet... Its 2pm atm.

Hembergler said...

Nice blog and happy holidays, Moose. If this post tells me anything about you, it's that you have way way too much free time. :D

Lang Whitaker said...

Give me Ping Ping's number and I'm all over that lunch.

Hursty said...

Lang!

Moose said...

I gotcha, Hursty. Was scared for a second there about your health or whatever. And Hembergler, trust me, I spread the piece out ;). And Lang! A comment from Lang Whitaker! On MY piece!

Young Bear said...

I will be freezing my a*s off at Mile High (refuse the invesco moniker) tomorrow as we look to lock down the AFC West!

Happy holidays from the SLAM Fam!

TODAY-THAT DAY OF COLLEGE HOOPS is here!
2 EST it gets crackin!

Moose said...

Glad you got your full day of college hoops, Cub. And I'm sure you won't mind freezing tomorrow in Denver . . . even with the 20 degree high. Just put yourself in Myles' position (high of 2 degrees, low of -13).

Justin Walsh said...

Hahaha, great stuff man, great stuff. Good to see my name and the diaper metaphor used again! Also, BJENNINGS IS PICKING IT UP! number 5 on the mock draft right now, playing solid, so he is already getting that gift! :) for a better metaphor, James Harden is like American Eagle Polos, never less than 25. :) He's steady dropping big numbers

Moose said...

Keep up the metaphors, man . . . whether we understand them or not will be unknown when you release them, though :). But happy holidays, Justin.

BETCATSTHEHOLIDAYSCROOGEMCDOOGE said...

what is gayer, Justin Walsh (no homo) or Justin Walsh (speaking of the American Eagle, CAW CAW)? You be the jury.

Eboy said...

I'm giving you guys heavy credit, all of SKO's posts never had a Lang Whitaker sighting.....that's your Christmas miracle, kiddies!!!!! :)

RV said...

Moose, I started off slowly, but i'm getting there, just ask B Long....Happy Holidays to everyone, good post Moose...i hope to have another workout piece up by the end of the year..

BETCATSTHEFUCKINCHAMP said...

also, Moose i already got 2 'good hometown team (S)' the Carolina Panthers in real life, and my team, The Raleigh Prositutes on All Pro Football.

Moose said...

BET, I was referring to the Cats, but you can live with those I guess. And thanks, RV. I know you got the potential to win it in you :). And Eboy, what does that say about our respective blogs? Just playin', man.

BETCATSINTHEHOUSECAUSEITSCOLDOUTSIDE said...

whatever Moose, you just cant handle my squads is winnin. The Panthers might win the superbowl and the Prostitues (my all pro team) got Jerry Rice, Thurman Thomas, and Dan Marino as the best players on the team, we are undefeated! What?!

Money Bill Williams said...

Aloha fella's. I shall be jetsetting to Hawaii on the 27th so hopefully I have a PC in my hotel room.
Happy holiday's to all, and hopefully 2009 bring's everyone something they wish for.

Hursty said...

You have to check out Oahu beach and Waikiki Beach money- its amazing.
ps- the kfc in oahu tastes different, tell me what you think. Also, massive billabong shop on the Oahu strip (just off the beach).
Which islands you going to?

Money Bill Williams said...

Staying on Wakiki beach in a resort there.
Hursty you know I'm that much of a fitness fanatic I'm not going to be scoffing KFC.
I'm thinking bout strapping 2kg of whey protein isolate to my chest like the bali 9!
Any other good places to check out? From anybody?

Hursty said...

Well, are you going to Big Island? Thats called Hawaii (pronounced Ha-vi-ee).
There are a bunch of guys who offer surfing lessons outside Oahu beach, and the majority of them are really good.
You absolutely have to check out the North Island though in its entirety, drive around the coast, there are some great surf spots- head (if i remember) as you look out from Oahu to the North West, thats where the better surfers are.
Pearl Harbour obviously, but go with a tour group, its a better learning experience and they transport you.
I get so excited thinking about how awesome it was! There was an awesome beach we went to in Big Island that you could go snorkelling off for almost nothing, it was great. Muai(sp>?) is cool too, but Oahu is the best no doubt.

B. Long said...

New shit on Where Basketball B Longs!

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