By Justin Walsh
Start of the week Ladies and Gentlemen!
It's your host, Mister Senor Love Daddy,
The Cavs squeek by, The Lakers drop a dandy
and Kanye West is nailin' a bald blonde...
That's the truth, Ruth.
Wait, so you're telling me STAT ANNND Nash are hurt for the suns?
SHAQ: EVERYONE CHILL THE FUCK OUT! I GOT THIS.
Shaq, you are old as balls, you know that, right?
SHAQ: I twitter more often than you've been alive. I'm the SHAQTASM.
Alright Shaqtus, just try and keep up.
SHAQ: Keep up? I'm Kazzaam, I'm a beast. I'm going beast mode.
Okay, I know what you're all thinking. Complete bull. Yeah, I thought the Suns were DONE. No Nash, no Amare, Jared Dudley and Goran Dragic get good minutes...I thought they were the Alternate Universe Suns- you know, like in DC comics where Batman is dead in one reality, alive in another, and in the third all the superheros are old - THAT kind of alternate ish. But anyway, somehow to the complete and utter awe to Me, Holly MacKenzie & Steve Nash's alien face, The Suns ran a better run&gun offense than the old suns the past few games.
Ladies 'n Gents, Berries and Cream, let's try and get some semblance of sanity here. I thought LBJ was a lock for the MVP but the past few games, he's played like shit in a bag with airballed jumpers galore. Interestingly enough, I still think he's miles ahead- even though Kobe is going bananas, his team lost to a STATless NASHless Suns team. Here's some analysis I think the whole world can agree on. The Cavs are ALWAYS best when LBJ drives into the cup. Whether he takes the shot, or dishes it out, the Cavs offense gels most effectively when driving to the hoop. So here's the question- why does LBJ shoot so many damn jumpers that ruin the offense? Yeah, he does make a few, but goodness flava-flav greatness they don't help that often. Holly and I spoke over the weekend about LBJ and his team's offense, we both figured in this stretch of the season King James needs to dominate the game by driving in every chance he gets. No more of this jumpshot business, no sir.
This brings me to point number two in what possibly could be the worst transition ever (well, besides when Chris Quinn runs the point, eh Eboy?), Reggie Miller makes my ears bleed. No seriously, sometimes I think we need to borrow some lyrics from eminem and just get him "shot in a trashcan wit' more holes than an afghan." Now I may not agree with the afghan part, let's get this done. He ruined All Star Weekend. Why would we have a 3 point shooter host a Dunk Theater event? Why would we allow the man with the 4th weirdest release on his jumpshot to talk shit about the shooting technique of Rashard Lewis or D. Cook? Last time I checked, when Reggie released, somehow god threw a big ass wrench into his elbows and put griptape on his guide hand so he'd have to make a weird shooting motion to get it in... Yeah, it went it all the time, but let's be real- he has no business breaking down shot form. 3 things should never happen- Shawn Marion can't teach shooting fundamentals, Reggie Miller can't critique shooting fundamentals, AAAAND-
Walter Hermann should never be able to have a stretch where he goes 4-4 against the defending champs. I'm sorry folks, but the lost Hansen brother needs to be shut down defensively. Besides, we all know this is the only reason young man is in the league-
Palming the ball with only your thumb and index finger is swell, but get your ass back to the bench. You wanna know what else Walty Walt has done to get in the league? In a dunk contest, he didn't lose the shirt, he lost the whole outfit. Check it. Seriously, apparently going all Risky Business in dunk contests then dunking it calmly is apparently big business.
Alright, I'm done taking potshots- he's in the league, I'm not. End of story. On to other news, I'm going to talk about the R.O.Y. award nominees. Shit is real, son. Derrick Rose has been solid for about 90% of the season thus far, and will probably win this award, but let's not forget that OJ Mayo is the truth and will be the next Kobe Bryant in our league. I'm not making comparisons, just watch these cats play. Also, two rookies who have totally said F U pay me to anybody else not named Ovinton and Derrick are Russell Westbrook and Brooke Lopez. Yep, that Nets big man. He's playing better ball in the past few months than MOST of the rookies, if not all. And I have a feeling Russell Westbrook could be a better Joe Johnson. Start the talks people!
Last, I think it's time for some choice "These players don't get their due" discussion. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you DWADE. Young man averages more points, more assists, the same FG%, around the same FT%, more steals, within .4 blocks, same turnover rate of LBJ. People always say just HOW MUCH MORE VERSATILE James is than anybody else, but Wade has just about every stat neck and neck. And he's not nearly as physically imposing. Folks, I'm not a Wade lover by any means, but this information is just ridiculous like the back uh' yo head (MADTV yall?). Second, I lead you into the services of Josh Smith. He gets no love individually, but what sucks more is that he gets no love as a team on the Hawks- does anybody know they are currently the 4th playoff seed & only lost by one to the Cavs last night because of shitty refs? They also only get national TV play like, what, once in a monkey-fuck? Unacceptable. We must rectify this. Alright, A J-SMOOOOOVE mix to lead us out of the segment.
Alright folks, start of the week...I think we need some ridiculously hard, high, far pulled dunks. Here's HAWK. Disgusting dunks. No explanation needed my gingerbread men. Let's do this.
Alright guys, I'm gonna get you men on another level for a minute. I listen to music all the time when I'm watchin' ball. For the past week, I've made sure during every game I watch I have music on. So to leave you cats, I'm hittin' you guys up with my top 3 played ish through the games. One of these songs were on one of the AND1 DVD's. And the last one is the song I had on repeat for an entire Celtics game. Made Scalabrine HOOD.
BIG L & JAY Z-7 MINUTES OF HEAVEN
...And we out sucka.
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