Violent Crime: The Helter Skelter Dismantling of a Writer and a Laker Fan

by: Justin Walsh

Kobe. Dear Kobe. Of course it's you, who else would Phil send, who else could be trusted? I... I know it's a long way to the court, and you're ready to go to work... All I'm saying is wait, just wait, just-just-just... Please hear me out, because this is not an episode, relapse, fuck-up, it's... I'm begging you Kobe. I'm begging you. Try and make believe this is not just madness because this is not just madness. Two hours ago, I came out of the press room, okay, I'm running across the gate signs, there's a deadline waiting, I got exactly 24 minutes to get to the damned word-press and I'm dictating.

There's this, this panicked beat writer sprinting along beside me, scribbling in a notepad, eyes scanning the lines separating the text like that New York Times writer looking for excuses to call Battier the god of hoops because of some crackpot equation, and suddenly- she starts screaming & I realize we're standing in the middle of a cluster-fuck of ticket holding Laker fans, the flow of the horde has sped up, there's this wall of people rushing into our pathetic excuses for athletic builds- serious groups of sketch looking people coming toward us in a hastened gait, and I... I... I freeze, I can't move and I'm suddenly consumed with the overwhelming sensation that I'm going to be witnessing a 5-25 outing by you, I feel a shroud of that playoff series I've been attempting to block from my mind, the one where you air-balled 3 straight clutch jumpers...

It's in my eyes, when I blink it's etched on the inside of the lids. It's like a coating of despair and loss and... at first I thought, oh my god, I know what this is, this is some sort of... This is what it must be like to have been a Cavs fan during the Jordan over Ehlo era... This is some sort of guilt stricken panic attack, where I remember how the Cavs could say "Oh well there was a time we won before..." Then they are pummeled by replays on ESPN Classic of Jordan murdering the humanity of Ehlo with a shaky jumper that rattles in. Nobody remembers that, do they Cleveland? They forget the rattle- they remember the fist pumps, nay, the jerks of his fists like Helen Keller back in the day... That's what this is- I'm panicking because you missed a jumper last game. And I realize oh goodness, I'm being ridiculous- this will all be fine. But then my irreverent misplacement of sanity was drowned out by the movement of feet, the chatter, the cheers, the hustle and bustle of the cattle drive to the gate entrance. This is not realization of hope, this is some giddy illusion of reassurance that happens in the final moments before LeBron comes out of nowhere, much like in this rant, and blocks your jump hook against the glass.

And then I realize no... No, no, this is completely wrong because I look back at the building and I had the most stunning moment of clarity. I, I realized Kobe, that I had emerged not from the doors of the Los Angeles Lakers media room, not through the portals of our vast and powerful press area with the horde and the wi-fi... But from the asshole of an organism whose sole function is to excrete the... the poison, the despair, the air-balls, the reminders of bullshit perfunctory let downs, the ammo of dissent. The defoliant necessary for other, larger, more powerful rosters to destroy the miracle of a parade route in Los Angeles. And that I could have been coated in this patina of shit for the best part of my years as a basketball fanatic. The stench of it and the stain of it would in all likelihood take the rest of my life to undo. And you know what I did, Kobe? I took a deep cleansing breath and set that notion aside. I tabled it. I said to myself, as clear as this may be, as potent a feeling this is, as true a thing as I believe I have witnessed last outing, it must wait. It must stand the test of time. It must stand the career of a player with 3 NBA titles, an MVP award, and enough balls to give each testicular cancer patient an even set... It must stand the test of time. And Kobe, the time is now.

Kobe, score. Kobe, fucking humiliate him.
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And after the thoughts left my mind, the game began. And sitting in my dark leather love-seat, it took all of 17 seconds for Kobe to score. and he scored again, and again. He scored 11 straight points. He scored 13 of the first 15. In the first half he had 18 points on 8 of 11 shooting. In the second half, he didn't just beat Brewer, he obliterated his dignity. When shooting guarded jumpers over outstretched arms got boring, he crossed Brewer over 4 times in a row, then picked up his dribble... Waited for Brewer to get close enough to tell the world what flavor of gum Kobe enjoyed, and pumped once... Pumped twice. One pivot, fade away jumper. Wet. And in that moment, I called my mom- she has no idea about the nuances of basketball - & I say to her, "Mom... Put Brewer on your prayer list, call your local city councilman in Dallas to fly the flag half staff, get his mother's contact information- you need to tell her to bake her son his favorite meal. I'll call the Jazz to get him a contract extension within the week. Have dad call the suicide hotline to have Brewer put on suicide watch in a hospital. Kobe Bryant just took his heart out and pissed on it during a live broadcast of an NBA game with millions watching."

And you know what my mom said? "Doesn't Kobe do that all the time?" And there it was, realized completely. LeBron may be the MVP. Tim Duncan may be the best player in his position in the history of the league. Chris Paul may very well be one of the best PG's ever. But Kobe Bryant is Shiva, the god of Death.




Note by the Author: While watching Michael Clayton, at the beginning there is a gorgeously insane ramble at the beginning. This entire post is basically my insane 5:00 a.m. rant to try and emulate that madness into a reflection of the emotions I felt just before Game 4 of the LAL/UTAH series, and what I felt during/just after. Obviously, I give credit of the idea to the movie Michael Clayton, but hopefully reading this, you notice my thoughts

The Recession: Pre Hibachi-LA Lakers

Grr...Grr...That was the feeling deep inside the pits of Kobe Bryant and the Laker's bellies as they came up short once again in the NBA finals to the surging Celtics, 4-2. That is also the feeling of my stomach as I sit in AP English furiously waiting for lunch and trying to finish this preview for the fans of Bachi. I say that I'm hungry because some statements that might be said in this preview may label me as a "crazy, ignorant 16-year old ignoramus" but I'm not people. I'm hungry for more. The city of L.A. is hungry, the Lakers are hungry and most important, Kobe Bean Bryant is hungry for more. You don't won't to be inside the belly of a beast and Kobe looks determined this year to engulf his competition alive. Now let's think back to last season. No one saw that season for the Lakers coming. No one. At least, we all knew that the Lakers would be a mediocre team at best as long as Mr. 81 would score 40 a night. Most didn't even expect more than around 40 wins. We all knew for a fact that the Suns would be one of the top seeds out West and the Lakers would be fighting to just get in a playoff series. But things didn't run out the we thought, huh? Kobe actually became something called a team player, Derek Fisher brought leadership at the point position. Bynum proved he was way more of an asset than Jason "Quick Sand" Kidd, Lamar Odom displayed at times that he could rule the world if he wanted to, he just refuses to do so, and the Grizzlies made everyone in LA wear Grizzlies apparel for months as they made possibly the worst trade in NBA history. But hey, I'm not complaining. The Lakers blew the west out of their asses and made it all the way back to the Finals for the first time since 04. But the question is, can we get an encore? Do you want more? One last time I need y'all to roar.......yes the whole Laker faithful is ready for a repeat plus a little more: the NBA championship. Can Kobe, Pau, Bynum, Fish, and Lamar make it happen or will they be left standing in their lockerooms, starving for that elusive chip? Kobe said it's dinnertime and I'll be damned if anybody stops the head honcho form getting his grub on.

-Point guards-7.5- Fish and Farmar

Last year Fish gave the Lakers what Smush Parker could never give them, leadership and a decent jumpshot. Fish was great at running the triangle offense since he had been with LA during their championship runs until '04. He took immense pressure off of Kobe during the season. Derek's leadership is what makes him so special to this team as he provides Farmar with wise council. Farmar had a breakout year last season as he averaged 9.1 ppg. That 9.1ppg came in just over 20 minutes of game time, so he was very efficient with his minutes and provided a great spark off the bench. Phil likes Farmar's jumper and athleticism so expect Farmar to get far more playing time than last year. Farmar just needs to get better at handling the team under pressure as the NBA finals showed that he still needs some work but he is getting there.

-Shooting guards- 9.5- Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Sasha?

Obviously the ranking is so high because of Kobe and his ego. Kobe finally won an MVP. Good. Super. Dandy. Let's go have some cookies and koolade huh? Kobe knows that without a championship, every award feels less than what it really is. This case is no different as I expect Kobe to steadily keep his performance up and have another MVP-caliber season. Expect Kobe to get a little rest this year with the emergence of jackass Sasha into a good streaky three point assassin. I'm still not sold on the guy but he does knock down shots and his defense is pretty solid(besides him letting Ray Ray make him look like a confused puppy lost at Petsmart). But the key is for the Lakers to rest Kobe, who in the Olympics, sometimes played like age was finally getting to know him and have conversations with him on how his knee is doing.

-Small Fowards-7.5-Trevor Ariza, LO, LLLLUUUKKKKEEE

You may be wondering why the hell am I putting Ariza over LO? Well if you've read around lately, the Zen master has been quoted as saying that he feels LO is going to be better this year suited at the sixth man spot. LO is said to have a problem with that and quoting that "Phil must have hit his hear." No, Lamar, I don't think he has gone off his rocker yet. They have tried Lamar as the second option but that was way to much pressure for him. They then tried him out as the third option and that was going kind of good until the finals hit ashore and Keving Garnett took away LO swagger pride with one amazing and-one move. Now if Lamar starts, he is looking at becoming the fourth option behind KB, Bynum, and Pau. LO brought this on himself as being one of the biggest enigmas in NBA history. One day he will give you 20 points, 11 rebounds, 6 assits, and 2 steals. The next game he will give you a horrid 6 points, 6 rebounds with a measly 2 assits. Can the real Lamar Odom make his way to the Staple Center? I'm done with my plea to LO every year so all I can say is when Lamar is playing ball and running the fast break at the 1, LA is nearly impossible to stop. Ariza was a surprise last year as he came in and played good defense and offense for the couple of games he could suit up for. He will relieve Lamar at the three and bring versatility and athleticism to the Lakers offense. Luke Walton will be a bench warmer in the 3BA by December.

Power Foward-9.0- Gasol, Odom

Pau form early in the season and the Olympics or Paula from the NBA finals? Pau will be manning the 4 spot and I don't expect anymore pussy outakes like the ones he had with freakin Leon Powe, KG, and Kendrick Perkins. In his first full year in the triangle, expect Gasol to average a double-double. With Bynum in the lineup with him, Gasol will be free from the five man position and he will be able to dominate other smaller power fowards (height wise) such as Boozer and West. Odom can play this postion as he did last year where he was a matchup problem for other defenders on a nightly basis. When LA wants a small, quick squad, expect Odom to fill in for Pau.

Centers-10.0- Andrew Bynum

I have all the faith in the world in Andrew Bynum. He says that he is 110 percent ready to go, but he looks 150 to me. The kid has gotten stronger, he has added an array of new post moves, and he has supposedly increased his vertical by 1 inch. This boy is the truth and he only played 28 minutes a game and averaged 13 and 10. Don't be surprised if Andrew competes heavily for an All-Star berth as he will get plenty of opportunities to dominate in the paint with his fellow twin tower, Pau. Andrew brings that toughness that LA was missing in the finals against the Celtics. My predictions for Drew: 16 ppg, 11 reb, 2 blks. Gasol can also play heavy minutes here if the situation calls as well, like he did last season.

Bench- Farmar, Vujacic, Walton, Vlad Rad

The bench mob lost one of its most blithe members in Turiaf, who was a fan favorite and a high energy type guy. Famar and Sasha will see the most minutes and will be looked on the have big career years. Especially Farmar. People, including myslef are wondering if he is still the point guard of the future. Vlad Rad isn't my favorite but he drops a long ball here and there so he is pretty decent.

Prediction

Another 50 plus win season and a NBA championship against the Sixers. Yes those Sixers. LO is still the key to the puzzle of success as well as Kobe continuing to be a great team leader. All in all, expect the hunger pains to end for the Lakers and their beloved fans this year.

It's been fun. See you Monday on the Warriors preview.

Play wit it.